2019 is probably gonna take me a while to digest. There have been some challenging moments over the last year (getting divorced, closing down a business, moving multiple times, serious gut issues), but amidst what could have easily felt like one of the ‘worst’ years of my life, I am walking away feeling as though it was one of my best.
It can be so easy to lose track of what’s important in life. But having been faced with so much uncertainty and change, the important things in life have risen to the surface, coming into clear focus for me.
My mother and stepfather have been the most consistent supporters of me through all of the shadows, fear, and doubt. They have never stopped showing their faith in me and my path, unshakeable in their love. The gratitude I have for them is beyond words. I feel infinitely blessed to have them in my life.
Then there’s Mozes. Man, what a cool kid! He’s my best friend, and greatest joy. His artistic talent has gotten really incredible, and our creative collaborations together are constantly stoking my light. I’m honored to call him my son. He’s done such an amazing job adjusting to Mo’s and my separation over the last couple of years. What an amazing li’l person. Love you, Moz! I also send a shout out to Mo for being there for Mozes and working with me through the humbling challenges of divorce.
In May, I also became best friends with my beloved Lindsay Semilla. After meeting at Building Man in May, I helped Lindsay move to an intentional community in New Mexico, where I fell in love with the land and she and I with each other. Although she lives in New Mexico, I live in Idaho, and we've only been seeing each other about 1 week a month since May, she has been the primary catalyst for my personal healing process over the last 7 months. It feels as though through her presence in my life, I am continually being swooned by spirit. She brings a certain reverence, love, playfulness, and creativity into my life that I have rarely experienced. I give my unconditional love to Lindsay for her undying support of me finding my highest self. Thank you for all the gifts you bring to my life, Lindsay...
As difficult as all my other challenges were, my relationship with Panda Poles was the most gut wrenching of them all. I could feel that the business was literally killing me, but my attachment to specific aspects of it had for so long driven me to compromise my health and sanity. Deciding to close down Panda Poles was both absolutely crushing and incredibly liberating. On one hand, I mourned the loss of what felt like a child to me. I raised Panda Poles from an embryo to a 9 year old multi faceted being, and now I was having to say goodbye. On the other hand, I was no longer tethered to the thing which caused me almost unending stress (the last 4 months have been the most laid back fall/winter I can remember). And through this process, I have discovered what is most important to me as for vocation and creation. As much as I can, I choose to never again compromise my peace of mind/heart for a project or objective. I have learned to focus on what vocation and projects spark joy and purpose within me, and avoid taking on roles that don't serve my highest good.
And lastly, my gut issues have pretty much vanished. Although I feel much of what I was experiencing was an energetic issue involving Panda Poles and divorce, I learned so much about the dynamics of my personal gut health (reduce intake of lectins and cream, avoid anticholinergic herbs, cut stress down to zero). Although I was pretty tuned in with my general health before, I feel more in tune with my body than ever before. And I am infinitely grateful to be out of pain.
Welp, that's my 2019 in a tiny nutshell. To all those who have stayed in my corner and offered their unconditional support, I am eternally grateful to you. Whether it was a simple text or phone call, or many many hugs, those of you who have offered me your kindness and friendship are some of the most important 'things' to me in my life. Thank you, always...
Hindsight's always 2020, eh?! Let's do this!
Much love to you all...